The urge to change someone for the better might seem like the right thing to do or at least a better option than abandoning a struggling or challenging person entirely . But if you are always drawn to saving others , just know this habit can often lead to do more harm than good to you and them aswell…. A saviour complex could make the situation you are trying to improve worse .
Constantly forgiving or making excuses for someone’s inconsiderate habits – even if it stems from pain, sends subtle messages like you ” don’t need to take responsibility because , I will handle it for you “. or “I will always be here no matter how how you treat me”.
Eventually this can create a co dependent dynamic where you are enabling another person’s bad behaviour and falsely believing you can control them. Dr. Gooden a chicago based psychologist says , “Take a Pal’ who “struggles to keep a stable job” , for instance . If you are always offering money or sending available listings, it makes sense they might rely on you.. instead of ” working the hard inner work themselves”.
And Overtime you will probably be exhausted and frustated , especially when you are giving advice that’s clearly being ignored or putting in lots of effort … yet still being treated like crap ! All that emotional investment can lead to frustation and even resentment
The past has already been lived
We can not rewrite someone else strory no matter how much you love them the best is to make them live better now .
Trying to fix someone means forgetting to listen them . When we jump into fixing mode we might be forgetting the healing , witnessing part . Most people don’t want to be fixed they want to be heard , accepted and supported . Most likely your partner does not want you to not rewrite their past but someone who can walk beside them as they make their peace with it.
It is easier to do someone else healing then to fix our own . It makes us feel strong needed or even superior . But “love isn’t meant to be a rescue mission “— it’s “meant to be a mutual exchange of care, accountability, and vulnerability”. Love is not about erasing it is about embracing it .
When you shift from fixing to supporting ! You allow your partner the dignity of their own growth . You walk with them, not ahead of them. You love the person in front of you, not the version you’re hoping they’ll become .It’s beautiful to love someone enough to want to ease their suffering. But it’s even more powerful to recognize that their journey is theirs — and that your love doesn’t have to fix them to be enough.
Remember “Healing doesn’t come from being rescued. It comes from being seen, heard, and loved exactly as we are — and slowly learning to do the same for ourselves.